Learning to Communicate

(or, "Be careful where you put your Ano!") 

In any relationship, there will occur "communication problems."  Times when a husband or wife become exasperated because they cannot successfully convey their emotional needs, opinions, or desires to their spouses.   Arguments erupt and bouts of pouting or silence disrupt the harmony of the marriage.  

But normally, such communication problems are more psychological than anything else.  After all, husband and wife, boyfriend and girlfriend, speak the same language, right?  It's not that they don't have the words to convey their feelings, it's that they either can't form them correctly to get their meaning across, or perhaps that the other party can't infer the meaning of them.   "You just don't understand me!" is a frequently hurled exclamation during marital arguments. 

Ah, but how about a marriage where both partners really DO speak different languages?  What can you, as an English speaker, do to facilitate healthy communication between your Filipina girlfriend/wife and yourself? 

Well, of course, your first idea might be to try to learn your girlfriend's language, whether Tagalog, Visayan, whatever.  This is noble of you, but don't get too excited at the prospect.  Adults have an extremely limited ability to learn foreign languages and your efforts to master, say, Tagalog, will be about as successful as your ability to reassemble that VCR you took apart to make the clock stop blinking (what the hell were you thinking?!).  

Of course, you should try to at least pick up a few keywords and phrases. 

Here are some suggestions:  

"Hello."

"Thank you."

"Yes."

"No."

"San Miguel."

“Pepto-Bismol."

"Shut that damn rooster up or I'll shut it up."

"Oh my God, that's a baby duck?!"  

But alas, you're never going to be nearly as good at your girlfriend's or wife's language as she's going to be at English, because she was taught English in school.  Filipinas value education greatly, and most study hard and practice their English whenever possible.  There are also many English-language newspapers in the Philippines, and a large American cultural presence via television and movies.  For example, it's not uncommon to find theaters in the islands showing such award-winning (and educational) American movies as "American Ninja," "American Ninja 2" and "American Ninja 3." 

On the other hand, while your future mate was busy studying her eyeballs out in the Philippines, you probably spent more of your school time torturing rats in the biology lab, and not because you were told to, either.  If you took any language course in school at all, it was probably, well, English.  And you probably hated it, secretly wishing that the world again revolved around the ancient caveman system of grunts, howls, and clubs delivered with considerable force into someone else's cranium.   And truth be known, in caveboy school you'd have probably even got a D- in grunting. 

Sure, you can delude yourself into thinking that you've mastered Tagalog or whatever language it is you're trying to learn.  Then perhaps you'll fly over to the Philippines and sit down with your girlfriend and her family and begin a light-hearted conversation using your newly acquired "skill".  You'll realize that your mastery of the language is not what you thought it was when you try to say, "Thank you for the crackers, I needed a snack," and one of the following happens: 

1.      You girlfriend breaks into tears and her older brother, Bong-Bong, appears with a large knife that he waves at you menacingly, 

2.      Your girlfriend looks suddenly confused, and her brother Bong-Bong smiles and winks at you while rubbing a hand across his chest. 

So what I'm saying is, no matter how hard you try to learn your girl's language, by default you're both going to end up speaking English.  

However, while most Filipinas speak English well, they do have a few deficiencies.  Their vocabulary will be more limited than yours, and they may have trouble with tenses (past, present, future) and sentence structures. 

The vocabulary limitation is usually patched with the ever-present Tagalog word, "ano" (the a is pronounced as it would be in "father" and the emphasis is on the first syllable).    "Ano" means, technically, "thingamajig," or, for you college types, "whatchamacallit."  A Tagalog speaker will almost always use the term "ano" when they do not know the English word for something.  Examples: 

"I need to go work on the ano."

"Where is the ano?"

"Ano?" ("What?")

"Can you take me to the ano?"  

You mission is to figure out what the "ano" is.  It becomes something of a game after awhile.  If your wife says, "Honey, we need to buy an ano for the bathroom," you have to figure out what exactly it is that your bathroom needs. Toilet paper, a rug, a shower curtain, a blow torch?  

"Ano" can also be used as a verb, as in, "Honey, we need to ano the grass."  In this case, you'll realize she's referring to cutting the grass, since there's not too many other things you can do with grass.  Unless you live in California. 

If she mixes her "ano"'s, the game becomes doubly difficult.  I kid you not, there have been several times where my wife has said, "Honey, we need to ano the ano."  At which point I give the standard male response of  "Uh-huh," (something I learned in caveboy school), not knowing that she's just suggested we assassinate a visiting dignitary from a small banana republic. 

"Ano" can also be used when modesty requires it to be used...as when identifying, for example, sexual organs.  You have an ano, she has an ano, animals have anos, bees have anos...you get the idea.  Here, you have to put the term into context.  Are you in a romantic setting, or in a fabric store, for example?  If your girlfriend or wife says, "The ano is too long, we need to cut it," this becomes a very critical question, don't you think? 

Tense is another problem.  While a Filipina may have mastered most English verbs, she probably has not mastered the various tenses (past, present, future, etc.).  She will often stick to present tense.  So if your gal telephones you to say, "We eat at Lepapu Hut," it may be unclear to you whether she's stating that she has eaten at Lepapu Hut, or she's currently at Lepapu Hut, or she wants you to take her to Lepapu Hut.  The standard reply on your part is, "When?"  At which point she'll say yesterday, now, tomorrow, etc., and all will be clear.  Except that you don't know what "lepapu" is, but so long as she brushes her teeth afterwards, what do you care, right? 

"Expressions" are also a trouble spot.  I can recall vividly the time my wife was reading one of her magazines and she turned to me with this disbelieving look, saying, "It says the best way to stop smoking is cold turkey."

"I've heard that," I said.

 She paused for a moment, in deep thought, then said, “Really?”

 "Uh-huh."

Another pause.  "Why the cold turkey stops the smoking? You just eat it?"

Ah...  

Another observation I've made is that both partners of a Fil-West relationship have a very definite influence on the speaking patterns of their mate.  For example, I tend to instinctively avoid the use of complex sentences or tenses at home.  I realize that the statement, "By then we will have gone to the mall" involves a future-perfect tense of a verb, and that the statement, "We will have been visiting the embassy," utilizes a future-perfect-progressive tense, neither of which my wife can easily translate into her own language.  So I will stick to simple structures, saying, "We go to the mall first, then to eat," or "Next year is two years since we first went to the embassy."  

I don't do this consciously, I do it out of habit, and it's a habit that I believe most English speakers develop when living with a non-native English speaker.  

Your wife's English will also be heavily influenced by her exposure to you.  As an example, I'm a native Southerner, and I tend to use phrases like "I reckon," "I guess," and "I'll tell you what" pretty frequently.  My wife has quickly picked up on these, and now it's not uncommon for her to append her sentences with the occasional, "I guess", and from time to time she'll even drop a "reckon" into the soup, much to the delight of my family when they're visiting.  

The point of all this is that we all adjust to our environments, and it's only natural that both you and your gal will influence the speaking patterns of one another, at least when you're both together.  So learn a little of her language, but don't expect to master it, and expect her to speak English, but not to have an English degree.  Both of you will need to work on your communication skills, and both of you will need to be patient as those skills develop.  You'll get the hang of it eventually, trust me. 

Now, go get that ano fixed!